Tearing Me Apart
by janya.wrote.nightrose
Summary: Sam & Leah are going on a three-week vampire hunt... just the two of them. He's the Alpha, & she's the only one with nothing left to loose-the obvious choices for a suicide mission. In their isolation together, she breaks down and tells him the truth. R
1. Chapter 1

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"That is the _dumbest _idea I've ever heard. idea I've ever heard," I hiss. And then, though I try to hide my concern, I add, "You're going to get _killed." _A friend can say that to a friend, right? Even friends who hate each other? Right?

Damn it.

"No, I'm not."

I roll my eyes. He sounds so completely certain it's difficult not to believe him, but he's quite clearly wrong. "Just you, all alone? It's idiotic."

"Not all alone." Again, like a simple statement of fact.

"Who's coming with you?" I ask, as he no doubt wants me to.

"_You _are, Leah."

"What? Why me?" I demand. No. No, no no. My thoughts don't match, but they're a rebellion… no. I won't, I can't, I won't I can't I won't I can't… I've done as much as I can but even I have limits, I can only tear so far before I break.

"You don't have anything here," he explains in a monotone. "Quil has to be near Claire. Jared and Kim are getting ready for the wedding. Paul and Rachel are just getting off the ground." Oh, right. Forgive me for wanting to disrupt the all-holy imprinting. Clearly, my mere human pain is nothing in the face of _imprinting. _"Embry's mom is going to shackle him to the wall if he disappears for three weeks, and I'm not dragging a kid halfway across the US."

I shake my head violently. "No. No!"

I can't…

"Leah, it's a pack duty." He sounds like my father used to… that is, before I inadvertently caused his death. "I'm sure you're aware that I'm more than ready to compel you."

I'm part of Jake's pack now, sucker. "Not to sound like a four-year-old, but _nananananana, you can't make me._"

Once upon a time, he would have laughed and kissed me. Now he just shakes his head in mild disapproval, so like a distant relative that it stings. And burns. And bleeds. I'm never going to stop bleeding.

"Actually, I can."

"I'm not even in your pack. I'm in…" and it hits me. Like I needed one more reason to hate imprinting. Or Jacob Black. How can he do this to me? "Oh, shit. Jake's leaving town, isn't he?"

"Yeah. You and Seth are back under me, until you quit."

Which will be soon. Really, really soon. I whine. "I want to go to college."

"So did I." I remember the day he told me he was turning down that scholarship, and the shock on my face. "Suck it up, Lee-Lee."

I launch myself at him, landing a lucky punch on his shoulder. It doesn't hurt either of us, but it's a necessary gesture. "_Bastard,_" I hiss.

He closes his eyes briefly. "I'm sorry. That was low."

"Damn right it was." I pause to consider, and then decide I have no choice. Besides, in a masochistic way, I might actually enjoy being around him. "Fine. I'll go on your damn vampire hunt, Sam. But I'm not gonna like it."

I expect a reaction. All he does is say mildly, "You used the word damn twice in that sentence."

"Because I'm pissed. You might not be able to understand it now, but…" I commit, suddenly. I'm sick of being blamed for all my efforts to protect them from the pain. If he wants in my brain so bad, I'll give him what he wants. "Believe me, hon, once I'm back in your head, you're _really _gonna regret this stupid excursion."

"No doubt. But _I _know my duty."

"Yeah. And that's about it."

He lets that parting shot go. I sigh and walk away.

We're goin' on a vamp hunt, we're gonna catch a big one…

Wow. Two werewolves against every leech we can find in three weeks? I kind of hope I don't die.

Kind of.

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	2. Chapter 2

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_Nice work there,_ he says.

_You too, _I reply.

I can feel the offensively _not _teasing shock in his thoughts. _What, was that an actual compliment? From you? _

With love, from me, to you… shit, he can read my thoughts. Um… I scan for something hurtful and seize on an old memory of myself and Emily, as children, playing.

"I have a big crush on a boy," she told me, weaving an arm through mine.

"Really really?'

"Really really." And she laughed.

My eyes got wide and afraid. "So I'm not your bestest friend anymore?"

"Don't be silly, Leah. No matter what, you'll always be my bestest friend. I love you more than I could ever love a boy."

"Promise?"

"Pinky promise."

I think we were about six at the time, but it does the trick. Sam stops shifting through my thoughts, so I can reply as though in normal conversation. _Don't look so shocked. I'm not _really _a bitch, Sam._

_ You put on a pretty good act._

That's about all I do nowadays, as a matter of fact. I've spent so much damn time tricking and lying and convincing them I'm just a nasty person, when I'm trying to… _Yeah. I do._

_ Leah? _I realize he hears the sorrow in my voice. Damn it. _Is that genuine emotion I detect?_

_ Cut the sarcasm, Sam, _I growl, _and maybe I'll tell you. _Oops. That slipped out, but suddenly it's true. I want him to know. I'm sick and fucking tired of hiding this for his benefit, when he's the one who caused it in the first place. I'm finished with the pain. I just want it to end, for God's sake. Is that so much to ask? But instead of dealing with it, I have to hide it behind a wall of anger, keep it from the whole damn pack, pretend like it isn't even there instead of actually improving myself. _Show you, rather. _

This ends today. The lies, the deceptions for his sake, end today. I'm not giving Sam Uley another fucking thing. He's taken everything I have away already.

I unleash it. I take down the wall that a hundred petty cruelties have erected, let the guards on my agony rush forth. I share it, it becomes his, for any one of us who phases to see and know and _feel. _It's ours now, not mine, and the burden lessens just a little.

_Oh God, _he whispers, all four knees visibly buckling under the stress of it, _Holy Hell. Is that…_

_ That's what's really in my head all the time. Bet you're glad I don't 'just open up and let us in' now, huh?_

_ Wow._

_ The phrase you're looking for is…_

_ Leah, I'm really, really, really sorry._

He doesn't even pluck it from my brain, and yet it's nowhere near as satisfying as it should be. Because I can see what he's picturing, almost involuntarily. _I might fall for that. If I couldn't read your mind. I might believe it. But do you know that when you say the word sorry, even if what you're apologizing for is ripping my heart into a billion little pieces and then stepping on them, all you see is Emily's face? When are you going to see that my scars run deeper than skin? She lost a pretty face. I lost my _soul mate, _Sam. That's what you were. What you are. You just don't want me. I'm never going to heal. It's not even going to scab over, and it's never going to fade into those nice neat lines she's got. I'm still bleeding. Nothing's changed. Nothing will. Never, Sam. Never._

I don't put the wall back up. With every word, the agony is there, the pain and guilt and loneliness and loathing. But the only answer he can find is, _Leah, I'm sorry._

I run from the picture of Emily's inconsequential pain.

He is wordless.

But he follows.

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	3. Chapter 3

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We are running through the woods, side by side, following a strong and foul scent, when Sam asks it. _How did you end up this way?_

_ Huh?_

_ When we were together. _He flashes me a memory, his big fingers sliding a ring on my hand, his huge smile bright against his face, me laughing and laughing and… _You weren't like this. Did all the… all the…_

_ The pain? _I'd named it that. It was appropriate. All the feelings from guilt to anger to simple grief that I'd shoved behind a rock-hard fortress in my mind were facets of it.

_Yeah. Where'd all the pain come from? From your dad? From being the only girl? From not being able to have kids? What?_

_ God, you are an imbecile,_ I growl. Can he really not see it? Didn't we just talk about this yesterday? _Can you be this stupid? Do you really not know?_

_ What? _

_ It's _you, _idiot. Of course I wasn't a bitch then. I had you. I wasn't a bitch when you loved me because you loved me. I was nice then. Because I was _happy. _And then you broke my heart and spit in my face. That changed things. It changed me. _

I feel his sigh. The rush of earth beneath my feet is the only thing that keeps me going, plodding on through the painful story of the darkest point of my life, the brief spurt of agony before I learned how to spread it out and turn forever into monotonous suffering, not pure, sheer torture. _When you phased the first time and didn't tell me, I tried to stop trusting you. But I couldn't pull away. I loved you too much… I couldn't pull away from you. I was in too deep already. I couldn't get away from it at that point. There was on hope. I couldn't bring myself to leave you. I loved you too much. I couldn't bring myself to leave you, not when I had any other choice. So I made myself believe every single one of your promises._

We reel them off together, all eight of our legs shaking as we try not to cry with the memory.

_You love me. You're gonna stay with me forever. You're never gonna let this hurt us. No one but you, Lee-Lee. Never anyone but you._

_ And then you threw them back in my face. Emily, the one person who was there for me, my shoulder to cry on when you abandoned me. She promised, she swore she'd never forgive you for what you did to me, what you made me. But she did. _

_ Leah…_

I plow on, mercilessly. _My dad had told me, time and again, since I was little, "Any boy hurts my Leah, and I'll hurt him." And once you left me? For my best friend, my own sister? He says, "Trust me, Lee, we're all doing our best." Like he was on your side. I couldn't take it, I just couldn't take it… I killed him, Sam, I killed him!_

_ It's not… _

I interrupt him. _Damn it, I know it isn't! That doesn't do a fucking thing about the guilt. You know you didn't choose to make me like this. Doesn't change the fact that you did._

_ Leah, _and his thoughts are soft, _will you ever forgive me? _

_ Of course I will. I already have. I forgave you the moment you left. Because I love you, Sam. I want you to be happy. No matter what it costs me. You're forgiven. But trust you? No. I'll talk to you. I'll run with you. I'll fight for you. I'll love you, hopelessly, forever. But I'll never trust you again. I'm not a very trusting person, and the two people I love most slow-dancing together in the pieces of my heart don't really help with that._

He listens to my rant in silence, his great black head bowing. Amazing, how much I love him still, like this, in this other body. He's still Sam, still _my _Sam, the one I miss, the one I want, the one I love. The one I'll never have.

Finally, he speaks. _I've still got a wall._

_ What?_

_ Like you. In my mind, I don't show the others… _He trails off, and I feel it, the blockade so like my own, with so much stowed behind it.

_Will you show me?_

_ Will you trust me?_

_ Maybe, _ I say. It isn't enough.

He smiles a little. _Here. _

And the last wall between us comes crashing down.

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	4. Chapter 4

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_I'm phasing back, _I announce, and immediately do so. Before he can _look _I grab my white dress and let it fall over me, so I'm at least not naked in the middle of the woods with my ex-boyfriend who's just admitted he's still in love with me.

He takes one look at me and shimmers back to human form as well, turning away while he shoves his shorts on and then sits, cross-legged, on the damp ground. He smiles, a tiny half-smile, and then rests his elbows on his knees and eyes me intently.

"Leah," he begins, "are you going to talk to me?"

"Yeah. I just didn't want to do it phased."

"Because I can't see everything like this?"

No. Because I have to be able to lie to you. I have to convince you that this is a mistake and I think it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. "Yeah."

"Leah, I'm really very sorr-"

"Don't. Don't start," I snap. "I don't give a damn about your apologies. I've heard them plenty and they don't make anything better. What's wrong with you? Why-"

"Are you mad that I finally told you the truth, Leah? I thought you knew this from the beginning, that everything was still… still there, I just can't do anything about it."

My body tenses, to the point where I'm shaking, where there's red in front of my eyes, and I duck behind the woods and take the dress off, phasing before I can ruin the only item of clothing I have with me. I really don't want to spend the next three weeks wandering the forest in the buff, thanks.

Sam follows. He really is going to pursue this conversation no matter how many times we shift back and forth. _Leah…_

_ I didn't know that,_ I say, softly. The sorrow surprises me. A minute ago I was so furious I couldn't keep my shape together. _Why didn't you ever tell me?_

_ I would have thought… I thought it was obvious, Leah. I thought you knew, when I told you so many times, again and again, that I loved you, could one word undo that?_

_ Yeah. When I'm at my most vulnerable, when I'm breaking apart because you won't trust me, and the words you say are, "It's over," that undoes it all. None of it means anything to you. Why should I believe it ever did?_ Now the rage shows through again, and a growl starts deep and low in my lungs.

_Leah, _he sighs. _Oh, Leah._

_ Besides, I'm clearly not good enough for you. I'm the girlie wolf, remember? The dead end? The freak? You have your imprint, your mate, your other half, your everything. Why would you even remember I exist? _

I shove the bitterness back down, forcing my thoughts into silence. He sighs again.

_How can you believe that? Leah… Leah, Leah. _

I freeze, a statue at the sound of my name again and again in his voice.

_How could I have let you believe that? That you weren't enough? You were everything I could have wanted. I'm the one who isn't strong enough for you. To be with you. I can't, now, but at the beginning, when Emily told me to leave her alone, I could have. I should have… but I didn't… Leah… I'm sorry._

I hiss and run into the woods, far away from him. He won't catch me. He can't.

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	5. Chapter 5

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I sit alone in the forest, resting on my slim legs. I like this body. It's uncomplicated.

I have a pretty enough human form. I know I'm attractive, not gorgeous but at least sexy. Guys notice me.

Sam doesn't, and I don't give a fuck about the rest of the gender. I stopped the day he stopped caring that I was beautiful and started wishing we had never been.

He can't hide _that _from me, either. That he regrets ever having said he loved me, every moment we spent together, every day I'd wake up with my head on his shoulder, every time he smiled at me, for me… I can go on forever. All the things I had and lost, he wishes he'd never given me.

Tis better to have loved and lost… then never to have loved at all.

But Sam doesn't see it that way. He says it's because he regrets hurting me so much. He wishes he could have found the inevitable first, and never broken me in half.

Ridiculous. At least I had those few years of perfect happiness, when I thought Sam and I were going to go to college, get the hell out of La Push, visit Dad and Mom and Seth on Christmas, have a couple of little rugrats when we were in our early thirties, get good stable jobs, die side by side from old age.

I had hope then. At least my life wasn't always this dismal, this empty.

_Leah, _he says, softly, breaking my reverie.

_Get the hell away from me._

I am careful to keep my voice bland. Usually, I'd say it furious, but I know that would only make him sad. I don't want to. I just want him away from me. I just need him to leave me alone, because I can't bear to think I ever had a chance.

_No, _he whispers. _No._

Sam phases back. I watch the enormous, hulking black beast that touches the sky shimmer, shrink, turn to the familiar face of the man I love. I'm glad he can't hear my thoughts.

I stay in this form, though. So I can run if it gets to be too much of me. So I'm safe from having to speak. So I'm not buck naked in the middle of the woods.

I avert my eyes carefully. My werewolf vision lets me see every detail of his body, even though it's nighttime, and he doesn't bother to put his clothes on. Instead of letting myself stare at him, instead of phasing back and throwing myself into his arms and begging for just this once, just this moment, thirty minutes of make-believe where he's not breaking me anymore; I refuse all those instincts, commanding like an Alpha's order to make him mine for however long I can manage it.

I look out into the forest.

"Leah, please listen to me. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry and there isn't anything I can do to make it better, not now, not ever, and God I wish there was, I wish I'd told you the day I'd phased, fuck the orders, fuck everything but you, everyone but you! I wish I'd never met Emily. I wish I'd grabbed you and run the moment my eyes met hers, never gone back, never looked back, gone miles and then sat down in some little run-down diner and explained everything and heard you forgive me. I wish she'd never made herself love me, because I can't break her heart. I can't, not anymore than you can disobey an Alpha's order."

Not any more than I could leave you, even when I saw this coming, even when I knew I couldn't trust you.

"I can't. But I want to," he says, so quietly I doubt I can hear it. The world spins underneath me.

What is he saying? Am I asleep? Because I have had dreams like this. Perfect, beautiful ones, the rare exceptions to those nightmares where Seth and Mom follow in the footsteps of everyone else I've ever loved and break my heart.

He looks into my eyes, seemingly not caring that I'm not even human right now, and says, "When the imprint isn't there, consuming me, when I can be myself… look. Right now, I can feel the tug. The pull, ordering me to go back to her. But I can feel my heart, too. My own mine, my human mind. Before all this nonsense. And it's telling me one thing. That I love you, and I always have, and I always will."

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	6. Chapter 6

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I want to rage at him, punch him in the face and scream like I've been doing for years any time anyone tries to be nice to me. It's almost a gut reaction now. I want to burst into tears and break down for once. I've been holding it in for so long that I'm close to bursting. I want to throw myself into his arms and press myself against him, just touching him, holding him close, claiming him.

I stand, silently, still. I don't act on impulse anymore, not ever. I think everything through because if I don't I'll end up breaking every wall I've built in my heart, the ones that don't hide things but keep me standing up, let me go on living no matter how much it hurts just to breathe in, breathe out…

I sound delirious. Insane. I'm thinking too hard because this is too much. I never considered this. I don't know what to say to him, not now. This is nowhere in the script.

"Will you phase back?" he asks gently. "Please?"

I obey. How am I supposed to say no to him? It's _Sam. _He's like a dream, a fairytale. 

_ Everything I want…_

I'm trying to forget the other half of that.

_And everything I can't have._

Everything I'll never have again. No matter what he says, there really isn't any hope. But still, I have to try. I have to do what he asks just to thank him for saying it, to thank him for that lie that gave me hope again.

Damn him for that! I don't know how I'm supposed to survive trying to trust someone again.

"Leah," he whispers, stepping towards me as I shimmer into my skin.

"Don't touch me," I order quietly, but firmly. My voice is clipped. I'm glad we're human, so he can't hear, _If you touch me I'm not going to be able to keep my own hands off you._

"I'm sorry."

Again, I'm glad we aren't phased. This time, it's his mind I want no part of. I can't bear to see his misdirected guilt once again. "It's all right."

He stays close by, though, so that if I moved my hand even a little it'd be touching his arm. I want, more than anything else, in that single second to jerk my fingers forward, to trace the muscles of his bicep, to brush my fingertips against his skin, to feel the heartbeat in his veins—I wouldn't ask for anything more than that.

I don't let myself move.

"Talk to me, Lee… Leah. Tell me what's wrong. Should I have kept the truth from you? Is it worse like this, knowing that I want you as much as you want me? That I love you too?"

"Love on, and I will requite thee," I murmur, dredging up a _really _old English assignment. He'd sat behind me in that class, freshman year, the second year we dated. Jesus, we went out from eighth grade until graduation. That's bizarre.

Heartbreaking.

He'd laughed at the teacher's bad moustache, I remember. But he'd also gotten a hundred on the test. He'd recognize the reference.

Much Ado About Nothing- a comedy. The comedies always end with two weddings. The tragedies always end with four deaths.

"Where's my happy ending, Sam? What do I get out of this, except knowing that it's hurting you too? I'm not sure that's so much better, you know. I'm not sure I can live with that, trying to convince myself to live on without you when we're both dying to have each other."

"Don't," he hisses.

"What?"

"Don't… what you're suggesting. Don't hurt yourself because of me. Please."

"Oh, hell, Sam, I'm not that selfish. I couldn't do that to Seth and Mom. They've just lost Dad, they need me." I shrug. "Not that I'm great company, but I think they like the _idea _of having me around, at least."

"I like having you around."

"Yeah, well, you're insane," I retort, trying to avoid the strange and almost-painful swelling of my heart.

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	7. Chapter 7

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We take down another leech the next day. This one had those horrible blood red eyes even brighter than most. There was a corpse at its feet. I had to choke down the bile as I ripped of its head. It was female… the one they'd called Siobhan, I believe. A massive woman, but incredibly beautiful.

Too beautiful. I mean, it's not like I'm hideous myself, but it's downright creepy how beautiful they are. It's weird. If she were human, the fat would have been disgusting. On a leech, it was mesmerizingly gorgeous.

Makes me want to kill things. So I do.

Sam gets to work on sniffing out the rest of her coven. Apparently, they usually hang around Ireland, but took advantage of their little trip overseas to hunt in a different range.

I try to stop the nausea again. I never get used to how callously and easily the creatures kill. It never stops being absolutely terrifying.

They aren't human. I don't understand how Bella Cullen didn't see that, back when it would have made a difference. And now Jake's happy with her sparkly spawn, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

But it _pisses me off _that she gets _everything _she could ever want and I don't have anything at all. She gets to be a vampire and have a pretty baby and _both _of her one-true-loves in her life and her father's there and… it's just not fair. Because I'll never have any of that. I have nothing.

I phase back. I don't want Sam to have to deal with my bitterness. My pain. Now that I've revealed it… it's smaller, but it's still mine. My problem. The pack mind drives me crazy sometimes.

Besides, what can he say, besides "sorry, sorry, sorry" and it doesn't mean anything?

It never means what I want it to. I want it to mean "sorry I promise never to do it again," not "sorry you're going to have to live with this forever."

I don't bother ducking behind a tree to change. This forest is sparser, and besides, after that initial bout of shyness, I'm over it. He's seen it before, he'll see it again. Doesn't matter.

Not like I want it to.

I just put the dress over my head and sit down, by his feet. He stays in wolf form for about a second, takes another long whiff of the air, and phases.

Cautiously, he reaches out a hand to me. I let him brush his fingers across my cheek, down to reach my shoulder. I let him lay his hand on the small of my back and step towards me.

I bite my lip and look up into his eyes.

They're burning. On fire. Filled with so much love that it's _terrifying, _really fucking _scary. _I've seen this look a hundred times. There's two of them, and they hurt for me to look at, even from a distance.

The awed, worshipful one, and this one, the passionate, burning one. The _imprinting _looks.

Only Sam's not looking at Emily. We're somewhere in Kansas. Emily is hundreds of miles away.

He's looking at me.

He's looking at me and it means something, it means everything. He's looking at me like he loves me, wants me, will be mine again.

"Leah," he whispers.

I feel my heart start to knit back together, hopefully. I try to stop it. I can't afford that. Not when he's about to break me again, as soon as we head home.

I shake my head. "What…"

He presses the hand on my back forward, winds the other around my neck, bends to touch his lips to mine.

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	8. Chapter 8

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I pull back and then sock him in the jaw.

Gut reaction, almost. _Almost. _I wish it could have been. The real instinct was to dissolve into the embrace, run my hands over him, and… well, one thing leads to another.

The punching thing came in second. But it was a _close _second.

He drops his hands from me, steps one small step back. "I shouldn't have… I'm sorry."

"Damn right you shouldn't have."

"I just… thought…"

I stand up to my full height and carefully clear my throat. "All right. I'd like to get something straight with you, Sam. I love you. You love me. Correct?"

He nods a little. There's an amused twinkle in his eyes, and I see the old Sam there for just a second. He speaks aloud then. "Yeah. I love you."

"You've imprinted on Emily. Emily is my best friend. You left me for her. I'm still accurate here?"

He nods, the sparkle fading. That familiar guilt is in his eyes.

"You pretty much permanently destroyed her ability to move on with some other guy by ripping half her face off. Now the two of you are getting married. Have I missed anything big?"

"You phasing," he suggests quietly, looking at the ground. Ashamed.

Good.

"Right. Missed that. So I inadvertently kill my own father. My little brother risks his life every single day while I'm forced to watch you and Emily being all cutesy lovey-dovey in your thoughts all the time. Then when I give in and run off with Jake's pack, you send Jared off to manipulate me so you can have it both ways."

I'm really hitting my stride with the ranting now. This has been stewing for some time, and it's a relief to let it out. Hell, it's actually _fun. _I'm good at bitchy, and this here is a prime example of it.

"And not only that, but I'm trying to hide my abject agony from everyone, so I'm kinda less than sweet, so every single one of my so-called pack brothers, who are supposed to automatically love me and all, hate my guts! Ooh, and I'm barren! Forgot about that. And I'm the only female werewolf in the history of ever, so… am I not even a girl anymore? What the hell is with that? And then the first actual friend I make goes and imprints on his ex-girlfriend's demon spawn and is ridiculously, nauseatingly happy with her. Then I get sucked… make that _forced, _into taking this trip with you. _That's _everything."

He nods a final time. "Yeah. I think you've got it all." Then he sucks in a breath. "Leah, I'm so…"

"I'm not finished, Sam." I step back towards him, so our eyes are inches apart. This would be _so much more effective _if I was wearing clothes. "And after all this, we're running around together and you kiss me. Freakin' kiss me. Like you are actually capable of committing to me, doing something more than breaking my heart? Did you think I'd let you do it? If you want to cheat on Em, fine, go ahead. But you're not doing it with me. You all may think I'm a bitter bitch who needs to get over myself, but _I _know I have the moral high ground here. Sleeping with my cousin's fiancé is not the way to maintain my martyr face, and the righteous victim act is about the only thing keeping me sane at this point. Got it?"

"Got it." He looks abashed. "Leah, I really am sorry. I didn't mean to… to hurt you. I honestly wasn't thinking, in that second all that was on my mind was you. I'm…"

"What?"

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	9. Chapter 9

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He cocks his head.

"_What did you just say?" _I demand.

"In that moment, I was only thinking about you. I was… kind of careless, I guess. I only saw your face and-"

"Isn't that supposed to be _her? _Aren't you supposed to only see her and all that imprinting shit? Everything turns into Emily, right? Nothing else matters. You're not supposed to be able to want me. What changed?"

"I… I don't think it's completely that way. Not for me, not anymore. I don't know why. It's still the same for Jared, for Paul, for Quil. For them, they can't look away. I can."

I notice an exception to the list. "What about Jake?"

"Him… not so much. He's still hurting over Bella, you know. You run with him. You've seen that he hasn't stopped suffering because of her. Just like I'm suffering over you."

I fix him with a stern look of disbelief. Honestly, does he expect me to feel bad for him because he regrets breaking my heart? This is supposed to inspire pity? "Oh, boo hoo, Sam. Watch me weep. I mean, I just feel _so bad _for you. After all, you didn't have any choice. Hey, want to know the problem with your little comparison? The difference between you and Jake? He chased his leechlover around like a lovesick puppy for years and couldn't get her to look at him twice. You had- in a lot of ways, _have- _me in the palm of your hand and you threw me away. You didn't want me. Don't expect me to feel bad for you because you lost something you chose to give up."

Rants. They're fun. A _lot _of fun. Especially since I've basically been bottling this up for years. The others feel so bad because Sam really does torture himself over what he turned me into. Well, guess what? If he doesn't want to hurt me, he should not hurt me! It's really not that complicated.

"Leah, I'm…"

I turn away. "I don't want to hear it."

"But it's true!"

"Yeah. So what? You can be sorry until the end of time and it won't fix anything. I learned that lesson hard and fast, Sam. I'm _sorry _I phased in front of Dad. I'm _sorry _he had that heart attack. I'm _sorry _he died because of it- because of me. _Sorry _fixes absolutely nothing. _Sorry _is worthless. What made it useful was when I _learned _something. I learned—just like you learned—that I had to control my temper, that I couldn't go phasing every time I got pissy. I had to decide where and when I changed, and I did. It taught me a lesson. I made a mistake, and I became different because of it. You didn't. You want to undo this, but you keep doing it over and over again. So stop being sorry until you're going to fix things. Which will be never, by the way."

He stands there, shell-shocked, for a minute or two. And then he sighs. "All right. You're right."

"Of course I am."

And he laughs.

He actually laughs.

Sam _never _laughs anymore, not unless he's with Emily, and only rarely then. He hasn't so much as smiled at me since before all this mess. It's one of the things I miss most from my Sam, how incredibly beautiful he looks when he laughs. And then that boy I loved so much disappeared and was replaced by this solemn stranger. And I love him anyway.

And he's laughing, and it's like none of this ever happened.

"Of course," he echoes, and then is quiet for a moment.

"We should go to bed," I say. I don't want to. I'm afraid that when I wake up in the morning, this will all have been a dream, and that little bit of hope I can't choke down will be gone again, leaving me with nothing to live for. Life may suck now, but it's had a sharp improvement in the last twenty-four hours.

When he breaks the silence, there's a gentleness in his voice I haven't heard for a long, long time. Usually he speaks to me angry now, or at least with the distance and authority of the Alpha. Not this time. "Leah, I… when… I… would…"

"Spit it out," I sigh. Patience is not exactly one of my virtues.

"When we were together…" he stops, weighing the cost against whatever he's asking for. I bite my lip. "I just… I'm not going to try anything that I… I'm not going to do that to Em, Leah. But… it's just that I miss you. I miss… holding you while I sleep. Would you…" and then he trails off awkwardly.

I shiver. Does he have any idea how much I long for that one little thing? Does he know that even though my body heat is through the roof I wake up in the middle of the night freezing cold? Does he somehow see Seth's face when he comes to get me up for patrol in the morning and I'm wrapped in seven blankets, so tight I can't move, so it feels like there are arms around me?

And then I smile.

If I can't have him back- and I _can't- _I have this. One harmless enough moment. One beautiful little lie.

"I don't mind," the understatement of the century declares. "Let me just throw some clothes on."

Sam blushes. I duck behind a tree and pull the dress back on. When I come back to the little clearing, he's wearing his pants again.

I sit cross-legged on the ground. I can feel the mud soaking into the back of the white dress. Well, it started out white. I'm pretty sure it's forest-colored now.

Sam doesn't seem to care. There's an expression somewhere between rapture and pain on his face, and he sits beside me.

"I love you," I whisper. "I know it's not exactly okay to say it, but I do."

"I love you too, Lee-Lee," he answers. "Good night."

"'Night, Sam."

For once, the old nickname doesn't hurt to hear. In fact, it only helps with the deception.

He lies back on the ground, and I snuggle into his arms. For now, everything's perfect. I'm here, lying in Sam's embrace, with his right hand rubbing little circles into my back, his chest pressed to my side, his other hand laced through my fingers. The heat is burning through me, as innocent as the contact is. Literal warmth, yeah, but also the figurative kind. Because he loves me.

He loves me. Even if it doesn't change anything, even though it means nothing, it's everything.

I close my eyes. For the first time in a long time… I'm actually happy.

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	10. Chapter 10

**sorry for the wait, everyone. i have good reasons, but i'm not going to go into them here. i really apologize. **

I wake up wincing in the morning. Fucking dreams. Today's going to be damn near impossible to get through.

Then I feel a warm pressure on my face. Seth's trying to wake me up. I grumble, and open my eyes.

"Sam?" I gasp. So it _wasn't _a dream? He's… really here?

He loves me. He still loves me. Dear God, Sam's still in love with me.

I take one second to savor that, reveling in the unfamiliar feeling of actual happiness. I smile cautiously.

"Sleep all right, Lee-lee?"

"Better… than I have in years."

I look up at Sam. For a second, I just let my gaze linger on his face. _Fuck, _he's beautiful. I'm vaguely aware that I'm staring at him, but I don't really care at this point. I'm not sure why it's so striking at this moment. After all, I spend most of my time with the pack. Maybe it's that the pain has dulled so much. I can look at him and think, not 'traitor,' but 'love'.

Then I see the look in his eyes.

He's staring at my face in agony.

I sit bolt upright.

_Shit. _

I knew this was coming, of course. My life has to suck as much as possible, it's some ineffable divine plan. Before the whole catastrophe started, Sam was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I knew it was too much to hope for that I'd get him back.

Besides, he's imprinted, he can't leave Emily, she's the center of his world, bla bla bla.

"Sam?" I ask, and I can hear the panic in my voice. I choke it back. The moment has passed. I'm alone again, and I can't let him know how much it hurts. "What's wrong?"

"Tell me what it was like," he whispers, voice hoarse. "Please."

Now, _that _wasn't exactly what I was expecting. "Huh?"

"I always knew it would hurt you. But… you're so strong, Leah. I used to think, maybe you'd be okay. Now… well, I was wrong, wasn't I?"

"I already showed you, Sam. That's everything."

"No, I want you to _tell _me."

"Why?"

"Because I deserve to know."

I'm about to inform him that I don't owe him another fucking thing when I realize he doesn't mean it like that. He's wincing, like he expects a blow. He doesn't want to know to make himself feel better. He's trying to punish himself for hurting me.

I nod, slowly. And then I begin.

"Sam, did it have to be my sister? I mean, honestly. I get that you broke my heart, that you never really loved me, that you were lying all along. Fine. Whatever. But my own _sister? _Couldn't you have picked someone else? Anyone else? Yeah, yeah, you don't get a choice. I _know. _But that doesn't make it suck any less. And do you _have_ to think about it all the time? The pack thinks I'm nasty and bitter, whatever, but at least I have a good reason for thinking like that. You moon over Em all the time, just because it's fun for you. Did you ever stop to think about how much that hurts me? No. You don't. Because no one even considers me a person anymore. Well, I guess that makes sense, since I hardly am one. I'm just a big jumbled mess of pain and werewolf and it _hurts. _It all just hurts so _fucking much _and I'm dealing with it the best I can but it's not going to go away, it's never going to go away, and I'm pretty sure of that. The only things that can make it better is if my dad comes back to life or you come back to me and frankly at this point I'm… I'm not sure what I believe would happen first… I… God…"

Suddenly, I realize that I'm crying. There's a thick moisture in my throat, a haze in my eyes.

I didn't cry at my father's funeral. I didn't cry when I realized what I'd become. I didn't cry the day Emily asked me to be a bridesmaid. I didn't cry when Jacob Black imprinted and betrayed the only friendship I had left.

I haven't cried since Sam broke up with me, not one single tear. I've broken bones and lost loved ones and suffered scrapes and bruieses and taunts and agonies but I've never cried.

Until now. The tears are pouring out, I'm shaking, I'm gasping for breath, and suddenly Sam's arms are around me, and he's pressing his cheek to the top of my head and holding me close and he's trembling too, I feel the tears land in my too-short hair, _Sam is crying for me._

"Christ, Leah, I'm sorry," he whispers. "I wish there were better words for it, bigger ones, but… If I could…"

"You can't," I say softly, with all the weight of true despair.

**review. it's a nice long chapter!**


	11. Chapter 11

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_We need to swing by La Push, _Sam says one day as we're running patrol together.

_Okay. Sure. _

Things haven't really changed that much. Every so often, as we're talking as we run, he'll reference what's passed between us. He calls me "Lee-Lee" and it doesn't sting. He tells me he loves me and I believe him. He lets me cry on his shoulder every so often and I don't feel like I'm betraying myself. He listens while I rant at him and I almost think he's really sorry. He holds me while we sleep and I'm perfectly content.

But I know I'm not going to get Sam back. I've actually accepted it. I'm not deluding myself into thinking it's not going to keep on hurting every time he looks back at Emily and away from me, but I can enjoy the little I get and deal with the pain when it comes. I'm used to that by now.

_Leah, I'm so sorry._

_ How many times have you said that by now? _I'm laughing a little, almost like it's a joke. I've come to treat my pain so much less seriously now that I'm not keeping it all locked in. I can laugh about it. I can laugh.

_No. Lee-Lee, listen to me. _I'm so sorry, _Leah, _he repeats sharply. And I catch my breath.

I'm getting a very clear mental image, as always. A picture stronger than even my own memories. It's like a photograph, and I see it everywhere. It blocks out the entire forest, hides Sam's worried black eyes, obliterates the sky, superimposed over even my own legs swinging in time beneath me.

_I'm so sorry, _he says for the third time, and I look through his eyes as he's practically compelling me to.

I gasp in shock. Because what I see, all I see, is a familiar scene. Shockingly familiar, because I was actually there this time around, and yet unfamiliar because it isn't the scene I've watched Sam replay so many times, it's my own recollection. Even though it's become a deep part of me, maybe the most critical moment in my life, but I scarcely ever think of it consciously. I can't bear to.

We're in my house, in the kitchen. The beautiful ring I've _just _gotten from him, the most perfect gift I've ever gotten, rests on my finger, and I twirl it around absentmindedly. Nervously.

Why won't he trust me? We're in love, he's said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me- that proof is on my left hand. Why then does he have to keep things from me?

Then my worrying is shattered. And not in a good way. "Leah, what I can't tell you, what I've been keeping from you all along, is why I've… I love you. I always will. But there are some things stronger than love. It's like gravity, pulling me in. I can't resist it, Leah. If I could-"

I watch him walk away, I fall to the floor, I feel the blow as I break in two, as everything that was good in my life dissolves in a shattering second.

The sound of a sob that cuts across both times, recollection and reality, bursts the image.

Again, Sam says, _I'm so sorry._

And I start to cry. Wow, this is getting to be a pretty regular habit with me, the sobbing thing. _You are. You really regret it. You… you're not thinking about Emily. You're thinking about me._

_ Yeah. That's why I want to go back, Lee-Lee. I want you to talk to her… or I could do it, but I think… I can't hurt her, I literally _can't, _and I know you love her but you _can. _Talk to her about… what's happening to both of us. See what she thinks. What she wants me to do._

_ You want me to tell Emily to let you go. _My voice is blank with disbelief.

_Yes._

_ You want to be without your imprint._

_ Better than being without you. Better to hurt her a little and myself a lot than tear you apart all over again._

_ Wow._

_ Will you do it, Lee-Lee? For me? _

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	12. Chapter 12

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_ Anything for you, _I answer with a smile on my lips, a dull and sarcastic smile. Because those words belong to imprinting. Sam is all I see, and I'd do anything for him, and it's sort of like he's my imprint only I can't just be happy for his happiness I have to need him for myself, too.

I try not to hope there's a chance I'll get him back. I have to live without dreaming of it or when it falls through, it'll crush me.

_Thank you. So much. _

_ Why are you… what made you change your mind about this? About wanting to be with me? You were so sure, after you imprinted, that she was everything you'd ever want. _

It doesn't hurt quite as much as it would have few days ago, to say that. I'm aware that it was once the truth, but I know now that he's not so certain.

_I think… I would not say the imprint's gone. Certainly, it isn't. I still couldn't bear to hurt her. I still… I still love her, Leah. But I'd say it's _faded. _It doesn't seem… now I can… it doesn't block everything else out. It surpasses it, maybe, but doesn't obliterate it. I can feel things beneath, around the imprint. And they're so much more real. I can tell that, even though this isn't as _powerful, _it's the truth._

_ You're sure about this, Sam? Sure that you want me to do it? You aren't going to change your mind tomorrow, go back to her, beg her forgiveness and watch her grant it? Because I'd never let that happen. I won't do this if you're going to revoke it. I don't know if I could bear it. I don't want to be part of that, I don't want to help you tear me apart again._

_ I will _not _betray you, Leah._ His voice is like iron, sure and strong. It's the Alpha's voice, the double tone I can't turn against. Well, I can't turn against Sam anyway. It doesn't have to be physically impossible for him to compel me.

Yet, though no pack member could defy such a sure order, he's certainly not commanding me. It sounds almost as though he's forcing _himself. _

_Yeah. In a way, I guess I am. Not that I'm not sure of what I want, Leah. _I want you, _that much I know. But… I don't know if the imprint's going to come back. I don't know when it's going to overcome me again, so I can't fight it back. I want you to stop me, if I start to… remind me of this. Show me how happy I've been and will be with you. Make me know what I really want. Don't let me do this again._

How… oh, God, it hurts so much to even think of this. But… _How do I know _this _is what you really want? How can be certain that Emily isn't what you really want?_

_ Because I wanted you first. And I never stopped, Lee-Lee. Occasionally, maybe the strength of the imprint covered the other things, the real feelings, but I could always feel this. I always missed this, it always hurt, and know… I'm sorry I ever thought to turn away, Leah. I wished I'd fought it then, even though it was so strong, so unimaginably strong, and I probably couldn't have fought it. But I should have tried. I'll never forgive myself for not trying. You deserved it, Lee._

_ Thank you._

_ Of course._

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	13. Chapter 13

**Hungry. so freaking hungry. review!**

I phase back when we reach Forks. I'm going to leave my nerve if I talk to Sam again.

I know what's going to happen because of this. It's really too clear. I'm either going to fail, or if I somehow talk Emily around, Sam's going to be paralyzed by how much it hurts. I'm not a fool, I know he can't get out of this without breaking himself. The bonds of the imprint go too deep. He'll have to cut so much of himself out to get free.

I can't imagine he'll forgive me for this. He may get out of this. He may live free. He may fall in love for real.

But it won't be with me.

He's going to hate me now. It's the way it has to be. The way it's doomed to be.

Emily will hate me too. The pack won't understand, they'll blame my selfishness again, that fault that doesn't even exist. Jared and Quil especially, but all of them, will despise me for rocking imprinting. That damn all-holy foundation of their world. Which destroyed mine, but who cares about me, really?

I'll be even more hated, but what do I care? What do I care?

I'm going to do this for Sam. He deserves a choice. He deserves to be fought for, and he wouldn't, now _can't, _fight for himself. I have to do this for him. I can't let him lose everything that makes him _Sam. _I have to let him live, for real, free, with all the choices any other person has, no matter what it costs me.

If he and Emily go from pitying me to hating me, what do I care? It's better anyway. I'd rather be despised than have him feel sorry for me. Isn't that why I'm such a bitch all the time?

No. If I'm being honest, it's because I don't want the others to blame him, to hate _him. _I'm doing it for him, I'm doing everything for him, still trying my best now the war is over and done, when the battle's lost and won, when there's no hope, no hope, I still can't stop this.

Why can't I let go? Why can't I give up?

It's damn unhealthy, that's what it is. I'm ruining my life over this guy who's never wanted me in the first place, never loved me enough to fight for me, and I lost him and for God's sake I should just get over him already but I can't. I can't live without him. I can't.

I swing by my house. Fortunately, Mom and Seth are both out. I can't deal with them right now, I don't think. It's much easier to just quickly change clothes, brush my teeth, grab a snack- real food, I've missed it _so much, _and run down to Emily's house.

Sam's house.

I try not to think too hard about that.

I ring the doorbell. She comes to the door quickly.

My best friend. My destroyer. My sister. My enemy.

Her face suits her. Half beautiful and half hideous. Half everything I miss from my old life and half the monstrous marks of this empty new one.

"Hey, Emily."

She smiles as much as she can. "You're back? Is Sam?"

_Bitch. _She's really not that sensitive, is she? 'Is your soul mate back? I want to make out with him some.'

"No, Sam's out running patrol, and we're not back permanently. We've still got some of those Irish leeches to deal with. He just wanted me to come talk to you."

"He's all right?"

"I guess."

Panic flashes in her eyes. "He's hurt?"

"Not really. Can I come in, Em? I think it would be better if we have this talk… carefully."

She leads me into the living room, and I brace myself.

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	14. Chapter 14

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"Remember, he wanted me to say this. Okay? Just remember that. It's not my idea. It's his."

She turns her head to the side. "Sit down, Leah."

I do. Like a kid in a kindergarten class, primly, neatly, folding my legs into a pretzel and resting my elbows on my knees. "Look, I…"

"No. Me first, all right?"

She always did want to talk first. Whenever we were kids and there was hot gossip to be had, she had to have the first turn at spilling the secret, she always took the first move at truth or dare, and I really miss the days when she was my friend.

"Okay."

"I know this hurts you, Leah. I know how hard it is for you. And I'm honestly sorry for that. But… Sam and I are meant to be together. Imprinting… it's destiny."

"No. It isn't. It's an evolutionary strategy, Emily."

"That's a theory," she whispers, looking down at her hands. Her scarred hand.

"It's _his _theory."

She winces, closes her eyes, and I really don't think it's fair that she gets to be in pain here, because that's totally my shtick, okay?

"All right, my turn. Imprinting… he has no choice but to love you. Do you ever think about that?"

She is silent.

"He _has _to. He is _forced _to. He _doesn't want to, _Emily, but no one exactly asks before you imprint." I quiet, listening to her shock, as she tries desperately to form words. Then I continue. "I don't want to hurt you. You're my best friend, I love you, but this is destroying him. It's tearing him apart."

"You don't say his name," she comments blandly. Huh, no one notices that. Well, I have my reasons.

"Yeah, because it feels like I'm drinking fire when I do. Hurts like hell. Unless I'm actually talking _to _him, at which time I'm usually in enough pain that it doen't make a difference one way or another. Anyway, not the point. The point is that he's not happy… well, he is. He's happy, but he's not himself anymore. The imprint swallowed him up. I don't know who he is, _he _doesn't know who he is, he's lost. He's drifting."

"What…" She gulps. "You don't think this is right for him."

"No. Honestly, really, I don't. Emily, while we were out on patrol…" I close my eyes. "He… kissed me."

She gasps. "No. You… he… he didn't…"

"I wouldn't let him get any further than that. I punched him, actually, because I'm not letting anybody fuck me over like that, even if I happen to be totally in love with that person."

Emily's silence disturbs me. Finally, I catch the reason.

"Yes, I'm in love with him. You expected it to just go away? That the imprint would somehow flip it off like a switch? Not likely."

"I… guess…"

"Not for either of us, Emily. He loves me and I love him, but he is _physically forced _to do whatever you want him to. Maybe you should think about that. Is it what you want? You want him here, forced to love you? You want him to be a slave to the imprint? Or do you want him to be happy?"

She stops me, with a cool and gentle hand on my wrist. "Leah, I know this is really hard for you. But I don't believe that…"

I raise my chin. I set my jaw. I carefully spread a look of cold disdain over my face. "Emily. I'm here because he asked me to be. Because he wanted you to do this for him. Do you _really think _I'm _dumb _enough… I don't expect to 'get him back', Em. I don't think he's ever going to forgive me for this, actually. It's going to break his heart, losing you, getting free. I know that. And he'll hate me for it, and so will you, but I don't care because I love him and I have to… I have to make sure that, even if he won't be with me, that the man I love is somewhere in the world. That he's still the person I'd give anything for, even if I'll never have him. _That's _why I came. It's actually kind of a sacrifice, and I'd love it if you'd acknowledge that."

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	15. Chapter 15

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She sighs heavily and rests her head in her hand. "Leah, I'd like to talk to Sam. If you could…"

Clearly, she's a little uncomfortable with saying 'turn into a giant wolf and think into his brain.'

"Yeah, okay." I nod and stand. I don't really want to spend one more minute here than is necessary. It's not the most comfortable conversation I've ever had.

I push the door open, run around the nauseatingly adorable yellow house, and get to the back of Sam's house. In the conveniently placed woods, I take the jeans and green tank (_not _ruining my first set of new clothes in two weeks, thank you very much) off and phase.

Sam's voice is in my head immediately.

_Lee-Lee? How did it go?_

_ Um, as well, I guess, as can be expected._ I toss my head, though I know he's too far away to see, relishing the swish of wind in my fur. _But she's not giving up quite this easily. _

He sighs heavily. _And there's nothing more that you can do?_

_ I didn't say that. She wants to talk to you. _

_ Oh. _He freezes, and starts to think. It's not directed at me, not conversational, but I can hear it perfectly clearly. _What can I do? Can I do this? I owe it to Leah, I know it, since she did this for me…_

_ Shit! You weren't supposed to see that! _

_ I'm not _that _stupid, Lee. And I can read your mind. Yeah, I don't think it's fair to give up now. You did it, for me, and I ought to do the same for myself._

I smile. It looks incredibly grotesque on the wolf's lips, but he can't see me anyway, so who cares. _Thank you, Sam. _The words are heavy in my mind.

_It's not like you're the only one benefiting, Leah. If we can do this… If I can get free… _he pauses, hesitates. _Well, trust me. I will come back to you. _

It's the Alpha voice again, the calm and self-assured injunction, like he knows he will be obeyed, even if he's only commanding himself.

_I don't think I believe that._

He sighs heavily, but doesn't argue. I think he knows that's incredibly pointless. _I won't disagree, but I'm not giving up on you, on everything I've ever wanted._

_ Well, we'll see, won't we?_

He laughs. _That we will. _

_ Coming? _I ask, turning back towards the house.

_Yeah. Sure._

I phase back and dress. Sam comes dashing out of the woods in wolf form a few scarce minutes later. I grin at him, and he snorts. It should be terrifying, but it's closer to funny. I recognize the expression on his face, even though it's not recognizable as his face.

He phases, shimmering as his form changes. He's smiling when he turns to look at me, as he quickly pulls on his pants and then takes my hand.

"Um, maybe… you shouldn't do that. Emily, you know."

"Oh, right." He nods and then drops my hand.

I try to avoid feeling mildly disappointed. "C'mon."

He follows me while I pull him towards his own house. It's a little weird to be doing this, kind of backwards. After all, he's supposed to belong here. Does he?

"Emily?" he calls out when we walk into the house. She runs to meet us, her face lighting up as soon as she meets his eyes.

I look at him.

Oh, no. Oh, _no._

There's an identical, too-familiar look in his eyes. A look of worshipful adoration, a look that breaks my heart all over again.

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	16. Chapter 16

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It has the opposite effect on her, quite clearly. The stress evaporates entirely from her, all the tension releasing, the minute she sees that look. She clearly concludes that I'm a nasty liar and her happy ending is peacefully undisturbed.

I can imagine her thoughts. 'Oh, Leah. It's really not her fault. This is hard for her, I know it is. I'm too hard on her, I have to remember her dad just passed. I really wish we could be friends again. I don't see why she can't understand that Sam is meant for _me… _I should have known better than even to doubt. Of course he loves me. Why was I being so ridiculous?'

For a brief moment, I'm inclined to agree with her last three sentences. Just with a "doesn't" inserted conveniently between "he" and "loves."

And then Sam turns away from her.

It isn't easy. I know it isn't, I can see him freeze solid, every muscle in his body straining, his jaw set as though in rock, while he pushes forcefully against the bonds that tie him.

He faces me. Slowly, deliberately, he looks into my eyes, and a broken, bleeding smile spreads across his face. It's jagged, uncertain, hurt.

But it's _mine._

_ My _Sam. Not since the first time he phased did I have this, this lack of secrets, this easy trust.

With my father dead and my body useless and my cousin standing here clueless, with all the pieces I thought made me up scattered broken on the floor… as long as I have this, I'm Lee-Lee again.

Sam speaks. "Emily, I… Listen to me." He turns away. He's careful to avoid her eyes, to look only at the side of her face.

She notices this and turns it a hundred and eighty degrees, so the scars are facing him.

Even in this position, where I can't see his face or any part of him except the back of his head, really, I can tell.

They say I'm cruel. And I guess I am. I think nasty things. I tease Embry about his dad and rub salt named Bella in Jacob's wounds and call Quil a pedophile _incessantly _(I actually do that just for the fun of it, but that's besides the point.)

None, none of the things I do even come _close _to the pain Emily has just intentionally caused.

I grab Sam by the shoulder and throw him back, shaking.

"Emily Young. You listen to me right now. Sam is a person. He is not a plaything, and he is certainly not yours. Right now, he's suffering from what basically amounts to a mental disorder preventing him from making rational decisions and you're manipulating him so you can play at happily-ever-after. It's fucking _sadistic. _Right now, I can't imagine how the hell I ever called myself your friend. You say you love this guy, presumably enough to marry him, spend the rest of your life with him… and then you do that. It might seem like nothing. Oh, just moving your face, no big deal. But you can't be dumb enough that you don't know what it does to him. Look, I thought it would be okay for you to make your decision here. I figured you'd do the right thing, let the poor guy go, but obviously I was wrong. And I'm not going to let you get away with torturing him like this. If you want to keep him prisoner, that's your prerogative. Whatever. But I'm not going to stand here and watch you hurt him." I turn to Sam, look at him for half a second, and then whisper, "I would _never _hurt him."

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